Important Scientific Debates
by Red Witch
Summary: The gang on Krieger's Korner try to answer some very important issues of our time.


**I'm debating with myself what happened with the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. It's either it went out to the mall or went on vacation. Just more madness from my tiny insane mind.**

 **Important Scientific Debates**

"Greetings," Krieger smiled as he faced the camera in a studio. "Welcome once again to Krieger's Korner. For this episode we will be discussing some of the top scientific questions of our time. My panel for today is Ray Gillette, Pam Poovey and Cheryl Tunt."

"Our regular viewers can probably guess where **this is going** ," Pam snickered. They were all sitting in seats facing the camera. "And it ain't Disneyland!"

"For those of you who aren't familiar with us," Ray sighed. "Let's just say don't set the bar of expectations too high. And those who are…You know what you're in for."

"First question," Krieger said. "What came first? The chicken? Or the egg?"

"It's so obvious," Ray said. "Eggs came first. **Before** chickens!"

"No, they didn't!" Cheryl said.

"Uh yeah," Pam said. "Ever hear of these new things called dinosaurs and fish? They hatched from **eggs**."

"Eggs were around way before the very first chicken was hatched," Ray nodded.

"But chicken eggs come from **chickens** ," Cheryl said. "And the only place to get a chicken egg besides the supermarket is from **chickens!** "

"Even if we're only talking about chicken eggs," Ray said. "The egg still came first. Since the first chicken came from an **egg!** "

"How do you know that?" Cheryl snapped. "Maybe aliens from the future cloned a chicken and dropped it into the past so that the world would have chickens? Boom! Time travel paradox!"

"What the…?" Ray did a double take. "Time travel has **nothing** to do with chickens!"

"Who are you? HG Wells?" Cheryl asked. "I'm not saying that actually happened…"

"Really?" Pam asked.

"I'm saying there's a **possibility** that it happened that way," Cheryl said. "Totally different."

"Technically there's a possibility you could become President of the United States," Pam said. "But I wouldn't hold my breath on that!"

"Please God no," Ray groaned. "Cheryl honey please, politics are **chaotic** enough without you!"

"You can't even figure out something as simple as an egg coming before a chicken!" Pam shouted.

"And where did that egg come from?" Cheryl taunted. "A chicken! Who **laid** the egg!"

"And that chicken came from an egg!" Pam added.

"And that egg was from…" Cheryl paused. "A chicken!"

"And that chicken was from…" Pam paused. "AN EGG!"

"That egg came from a chicken," Cheryl pointed out.

"That chicken that laid that egg hatched from an egg!" Pam pointed out.

"Which came from a chicken!" Cheryl shouted.

"Which came from an egg!" Pam snapped.

"Which came from a chicken!" Cheryl snapped back.

"Which came from an egg!" Pam snapped back.

"And that egg came from a **chicken**!" Cheryl snapped.

"And that chicken came from an **egg**!" Pam shouted.

"Which came from a chicken!" Cheryl retorted.

"Which came from an egg!" Pam retorted.

"Which came from a chicken!" Cheryl countered.

"Which came from an egg!" Pam countered.

"And where did the egg **come out of**?" Cheryl asked. "A **chicken!"**

"And where did that chicken **come out of?"** Pam asked. "An **egg**!"

"This is such a **riveting debate** ," Ray groaned.

"Let's go all the way back to the beginning of time," Pam said. "To the very **first chicken** that showed up! It came out of **an egg**! Case closed!"

"Unless there was a **time travel paradox**!" Cheryl shouted. "Case reopened!"

"We're not going to solve this anytime soon, are we?" Ray sighed.

"Let's move onto another topic, shall we?" Krieger sighed. "Global warming."

"I'm **for** it!" Cheryl said cheerfully.

"Me too," Pam grinned.

"Okay…" Ray sighed. "I get why Flame for Brains over here is happy about this. But why you Pam?"

"Cheap costal property in Wisconsin!" Pam said.

"Duh!" Cheryl rolled her eyes.

"Plus, the warmer it gets," Pam said. "The fewer clothes people wear."

"One day public nudity will not only be accepted," Cheryl grinned. "But the norm."

"One can only dream," Krieger sighed. "Damn. Now I'm **for it!"**

"Next debate," Ray groaned.

"The next topic is the colonization of Mars," Krieger said.

Pam looked at him. "You're not taking a page from that crazy space pirate guy that wanted Lana to pump out Martian babies, are you?"

"Please," Krieger waved. "I'm talking about **plausible** theories here. Like this one…We use radioactive pigs!"

"Oh good," Ray said dryly. "For a minute I thought we were going to talk about something **crazy**."

"Just saying," Krieger waved. "You want to change the landscape of Mars, use radioactive pigs."

"It would be easier to just send prisoners," Cheryl waved.

"What?" Pam looked at her.

"Well think about it," Cheryl said. "In the old days all of Europe sent off all their criminals, undesirables and fruitcakes to America and Australia. And look how **that turned out**!"

"That would definitely solve the problem of prison overcrowding," Pam admitted. "And overpopulation of Earth."

"And we'd be able to colonize **everything**!" Cheryl said. "Win-win-win!"

"But space travel is extremely dangerous," Ray said. "People could die up there! We almost died up there!"

"People **did** die up there," Pam added. "When Barry got loose on that space station."

"Fine! We don't send psychotic cyborgs! Big deal!" Cheryl waved. "Just send some more prisoners up there. Not like there won't be any left back on Earth."

"Can we start with those hedge fund guys and CEO embezzlers?" Pam asked.

"Duh! Obviously!" Cheryl said. "We send them up first until it's safe enough for the murderers and drug dealers."

Ray looked at Krieger. "That does sound fair."

"Yeah, your brother would do **great** on Mars," Cheryl looked at Ray.

"I have this weird feeling he would," Ray realized.

"Okay next topic," Krieger said. "Wow we are really breezing through these things…"

"Ms. Archer always called us the Brain Trust," Cheryl nodded.

"She didn't mean it as a compliment," Pam sighed.

"She does have problems with people who are smarter than her doesn't she?" Cheryl asked.

"Yeah **that's it,"** Ray sighed.

"Are plants sentient beings?" Krieger asked.

Pam looked around. "Judging by the Corn Heads in this room…No."

"If they are," Ray remarked. "A lot of vegetarians and vegans are gonna have a crisis on their hands."

"That's why I'm an omnivore," Pam said. "Eat everything is my motto!"

"We figured that," Ray remarked.

"Plants don't even scream when you burn them," Cheryl waved. "Next question!"

"Should we continue to spend money on NASA and other space exploration programs?" Krieger asked.

"Why not?" Pam asked. "We spend money on every other stupid thing!"

"Honestly compared to a lot of programs the government **already funds** …" Ray remarked. "Or has funded in the past…"

"Yeah," Cheryl laughed. "They spent over ten million dollars on **us!** "

"There you go," Ray agreed.

Pam added. "Did you know the government once spent over 300,000 dollars just to make a robot squirrel in order to study rattlesnakes?"

"I could have done that for **half** the cost," Krieger scoffed.

"And that's just one example of billions of stupid things the government wastes money on," Ray added. "Like the talking urinal cakes that tell you if your blood alcohol level is too high."

"We had one of those in the office!" Pam said. "Remember? It was screaming bloody murder whenever Archer had to go to the bathroom."

"Eventually the poor thing was begging someone to put it out of its misery," Ray remembered.

"Whatever happened to Cakey?" Krieger asked.

"Archer decided to use it as a hockey puck in the office Olympics," Pam explained. "Then he made a really bad shot and it went out an open window. I think it gave a concussion to a guy outside."

"Once my father convinced the government to invest in one of his failing businesses," Cheryl spoke up. "I forget if it was a coal plant or an auto plant or something like that. He didn't invest the money. He closed the plant down and used the money to buy a mansion in the South Pacific."

"Besides," Pam remarked. "At the rate we're trashing this planet…It might not be the worst idea to have a backup plan. Just saying…"

"Okay so that's a yes on the NASA thing," Krieger nodded as he looked at a paper. "I tell you we should have done this years ago to solve the world's problems."

Ray looked at him. "There are some people who would argue that this agency and the people in it are in the **top ten** of the world's problems."

"True," Krieger shrugged. "Next topic, is cloning human beings ethical?"

Everyone paused. Then Krieger started to laugh. "I can't say that with a straight face!"

The others started to laugh. "Neither can we!" Pam chuckled.

They laughed for a while. "I mean come on!" Cheryl laughed. "That line has been crossed so many freaking times they might as well put a toll booth on it!"

"Yeah for all we know Krieger could have cloned **you!"** Pam snorted.

"Yeah…Wait **what?** " Cheryl did a double take.

"That would explain why you have no memory of being a country music singer," Ray realized. "Huh."

"WHAT?" Cheryl shouted. "I'm a **clone!** "

"No, I didn't clone Cheryl!" Krieger waved. "But if she ever does go…Let's just say I have a backup plan and leave it at that."

"Wait, **what?"** Cheryl did a double take.

"Yeah that makes sense," Pam nodded.

"Moving on," Krieger said.

"Hang on…" Cheryl blinked. "What's this about cloning **me?"**

"Well you do take a lot of drugs," Pam realized. "And the odds of you overdosing or getting done in by choke sex are pretty high."

"You're our only client!" Krieger said. "This is about job security here!"

"I don't know if I **want** to be a clone!" Cheryl shouted. "I mean what happens to my soul while my body is living it up on Earth? Do I get to go back into my new cloned body? Or do I get to go to Hell? The Promised Land!"

"Why are you making a stink about it?" Pam asked. "Krieger's probably a clone and you've met other clones of Krieger."

"That's different," Cheryl waved. "One, he was probably already a clone to begin with. And B, it wasn't **me!** "

"Yes but…" Krieger said. "With you as a clone being young forever and holding onto your vast fortune, it would really tick Ms. Archer off."

"Oh," Cheryl blinked. "I didn't think of that. Never mind. I'm on board now."

"Thought that would do it," Krieger let out a breath. "Next topic…Is water wet?"

Cheryl paused. "This is a **debate?** "

"Apparently," Krieger blinked at the list.

"And people think _I'm stupid_?" Cheryl looked at the camera. "YES, IT'S WET! DUH!"

"Next question," Ray sighed.

"Do you think it's a mistake that Pluto is no longer a planet?" Krieger asked. "And just to be clear I'm talking about the heavenly body, not Mickey Mouse's cartoon dog."

"I was going to ask about that," Cheryl nodded. "Thanks for explaining that to me."

"I figured you would," Krieger sighed.

"I don't know why we don't let Pluto be a planet," Pam said. "We let Earth be one."

"When it comes to our solar system," Cheryl said. "The more the merrier!"

"It does sound like some scientists were a little too nit-picky," Ray admitted. "Plus, that makes my grade school science project of the solar system inaccurate so…"

"Next question," Krieger looked at his list.

"You got that list off the Internet, didn't you?" Pam asked.

"Yes," Krieger admitted. "Is it ethical to use animals for scientific experiments?"

"Krieger," Ray looked at him. "You use **people** for scientific experiments."

"You're saying that using animals are unnecessary?" Krieger blinked. "If you're already using people?"

"No, I mean…" Ray sighed. "There are those that argue that you should not use people **or** animals for your experiments."

"What about plants?" Krieger asked.

"Unless they're sentient I think plants are fine," Pam said.

"But not using people **or** animals in experiments?" Krieger blinked. "What are we talking just focusing on machines or…?"

"You know I think this is a discussion for another day," Ray sighed. "When no lawyers can possibly see it and we can't get sued. Or arrested. And prosecuted."

"Yeah that sounded like a stupid question anyway," Krieger waved.

"We kind of figured it would be to **you** ," Pam nodded.

"Here's one," Krieger looked at his list. "What should be done to stop a tree from being cut down?"

"Burn it," Cheryl said. "Next question."

"Who buys scorpion venom?" Krieger read the question. "Uh duh!" He pointed to himself.

"I know right?" Cheryl laughed as she pointed to herself.

"Seriously," Pam admitted as she pointed to herself.

"I don't even want to know…" Ray groaned. "Next question!"

"How is ice slippery?" Krieger read.

"Because it's made of **water**!" Cheryl shouted. "Seriously! _This_ is what smart people think about?"

"It boggles the mind," Pam said honestly.

"Do we do enough to preserve near extinct or resurrect extinct species?" Krieger read. "This is where the cloning comes in!"

"Duh!" Cheryl rolled her eyes.

"I admit I didn't read all these when I printed this," Krieger looked at the list. "Can science go too far? I don't think it goes **far enough**!"

"I agree," Cheryl said. "Where are our jet packs and our flying hoverboards? We were promised jet packs and hoverboards! And I don't mean those stupid things with the wheels and the exploding batteries. I want _real actual_ hoverboards that **hover!** In the **air!** "

"I want a pet dinosaur," Pam said. "Obviously not a meat eater or a real big one. But I wouldn't mind a little pet dinosaur."

"That would be awesome!" Cheryl said. "Or a pet unicorn!"

"A flying unicorn!" Pam said. "That can shoot out rainbows!"

"YES!" Cheryl shouted. "I want a flying unicorn dinosaur that spits out rainbows of death!"

"You already have a freaking ocelot," Ray said. "Which you **barely** take care of!"

"But it's not a flying unicorn dinosaur!" Cheryl stuck out her tongue.

"Okay so I guess I know where we stand on the designer pets debate," Krieger remarked as he looked at the list.

"What pet would you have Ray?" Pam asked.

"Well…" Ray paused.

"We told you ours!" Pam pushed.

Ray paused. "Flying pink kitty cat. That talks."

Cheryl blinked. "I want to change my answer."

"Next topic!" Krieger referred to the list.

"Chicken!" Cheryl called out.

"Egg!" Pam called out.

"Chicken!"

"Egg!"

"We've **done** that one!" Krieger shouted. "Let's try this one. Does fire burn itself?"

"Oooh…" Cheryl's eyes widened. "That is a good one."

"That one might be like a tree falling in the woods question for her," Ray pointed.

"A what?" Pam asked.

"You know?" Ray said. "If a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it, does it make a sound?"

"Uh duh," Krieger said. "Yes. I know because I have the audiotape to prove it."

"But what if you didn't have audiotape?" Ray asked. "Would it make a sound?"

"Of course it does," Krieger said. "Just because you don't hear every sound in the world at the same time doesn't mean it doesn't happen. You don't hear the traffic in New York but is it making a sound?"

"Odds are yes," Pam said. "A very loud one."

"It's a Zen question," Ray said.

"It's a _stupid_ one," Pam snickered. "Right Cheryl? Cheryl…?"

"Does fire burn itself?" Cheryl seemed to have zoned out. "Does fire burn itself? Ooommmmmm…."

"Okay…" Krieger blinked. "Now we know what to do if we ever want Cheryl to be quiet."

"Ask another question," Pam suggested.

"Will artificial intelligence ever surpass human intelligence?" Krieger read.

"Depends on the human," Pam pointed to Cheryl. "I mean let's face it, even Milton is smarter than some people I know!"

"Does fire burn itself?" Cheryl said to herself in a dreamy voice. "Does fire burn itself?"

"I see what you mean," Krieger blinked. "Cheryl? Cheryl? CHERYL!"

"WHAT?" Cheryl shouted. "I was away somewhere nice. Nice and warm…Ahhh…"

"Another question for the ages **solved** ," Ray groaned.

"I don't know why people are so stumped," Pam remarked. "Some of these questions are actually _easy_. As am I! Hot-cha!"

"Are we talking about chickens and eggs again?" Cheryl asked.

"NO!" The others said as one.

"I have a question that I always wanted answered," Cheryl spoke up. "Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?"

"Depends on the brand," Pam remarked.

"Really?" Cheryl asked.

"Try Silly Sal's Spicy Cinnamon," Pam told her. "I swear that sucker will last for years! I had a piece I left over summer break when I was in grade school. Came back to my same desk, it was as fresh as ever."

"Well if your mother says don't chew it," Cheryl asked. "Do you swallow it in spite?"

"Edie did that once," Pam snickered. "Didn't end well for her. So, no."

"Can you catch it on your tonsils?" Cheryl asked. "And heave it…?"

"OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!" Ray shouted.

"If Tutankhamen gets sick," Pam spoke up. "Do you call his mummy?"

"You're gonna call **your mummy** if you keep this up!" Ray snapped.

"Play the base!" Cheryl cheered.

"We're getting off track here," Krieger said.

"Were we ever **on track** to begin with?" Ray asked.

"I have another question," Cheryl spoke up. "Does anybody want to ride a bicycle with firecrackers going off behind them or is it just me?"

"If we're gonna be totally honest…" Krieger began.

Then the scene cut to Krieger, Pam and Cheryl on bikes outside somewhere in the dark. They all had helmets on and were riding with firecrackers going off behind them. "WHEEEEEE!" Cheryl cackled with glee.

"WHOO HOO!" Pam laughed.

"YEOOWWWW!" Krieger yelled. "I THINK I'M ON FIRE!"

"LUCKY!" Cheryl called out.

Ray turned the camera on himself. "Our last question was going to be does infinite energy exist? I don't know about that, but infinite insanity **does!** "


End file.
